The Fight Against Climate Change; Starting Small
Environmentalist these days are always talking about the massive, sweeping changes that we as a society must make in order to save our environment. “Carpool, don’t support the beef industry, and reduce your carbon footprint” are all things that we have become accustomed to hearing in the fight against climate change. But I ask, what small changes can we make today in order to reduce the speed of climate change? What can I do right now to aid in the fight against warmth in our atmosphere? Below I have collected a comprehensive list which outlines how you, the common american, can help to fight climate change in your everyday life.
1. Killing cows. By killing cows in your neighborhood you will help reduce your support of the beef industry while also getting out some pent up aggression. Cows are known to emmitt a large portion of methane into the atmosphere every year (up to 39% of the greenhouse gases are produced in the agricultural industry). These emissions are leading to the increase of Earth’s temperatures and will ultimately lead to the melting of the ice caps, the rising of the oceans, and ultimately the death of the human race. For that reason I encourage you to pick up a shotgun at your local Big 5 Sporting Goods store, find a field, and start wasting some cows.
2. Shooting down hot air balloons. A lesser known contributor to global warming is hot air balloons. Hot air balloons are a popular tourist attraction for people who like bright colors and shitting on the environment. Although not a massive contributor to the global warming epidemic, they signify ignorance of the environmental situation we currently find ourselves in. It is time that members of hot air ballooning communities dig their cross bows out of the trash, take aim, and get those big bags of heat out of the air once and for all.
3.Living in darkness. Let me take you back to a simpler time, a time where you would wake up at the crack of dawn and lay down to sleep when the sun has set. A time when you wouldn’t need lights or air conditioning or even electricity. In this time, the earth was comfortable. The earth wasn’t too hot or too cold, it was just right. In order to restore the natural equilibrium on earth we must resort back to these earlier times, and live in a world of darkness. For if we elect to abandon these simple comforts, we could leave a better planet for our children, their children, and those children’s robotic guinea pigs.
4. Pissing outside. This is a concept near and dear to my heart. By utilizing natures natural restroom we as a society can eliminate an extreme waste of water and give back to mother earth what she has given us. After conducting several surveys, it has been mathematically determined that men have been contributing to this cause for the last several centuries and I believe it is time for women to finally show their support for the improvement of our natural ecosystems and begin to utilize the outdoor restrooms provided to us.
5.Steal your neighbor’s son’s bike. For decades environmentalists have been begging the human race to rethink our reliance on cars. By utilizing public transportation, humans can reduce their carbon footprint significantly and reduce the emission of dangerous greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere. While I commend these scientists on their efforts, I do think there is more that can be done. Instead of opting for public transportation such as trains and busses, why not choose to ride a bike? Although bikes can be expensive, there is a simple solution to this issue. Steal your neighbors bike. Better yet, steal his son’s bike to keep the suspicion off of you. While this child may be sad at the somewhat random disappearance of his favorite toy, keep in mind that you are saving the environment! To really go the extra mile to save the earth, consider purchasing (or stealing) a rickshaw. Rickshaws are a popular mode of transportation in third world countries and can be used for carpooling to your place of work! Riding a bike + carpooling = happy earth.
6. Buy a windmill. While solar panels seem to be all the rage these days, there are many other ways to generate energy in your home without having to install bulky, unattractive black panels on your home. Just buy a windmill! Windmills are fantastic for generating energy in your home and are hardly noticeable to you, your friends, or your neighbors! In addition to powering your home year round, windmills are also great for bird control. The best part about windmills is the wide range of styles that you have to choose from. Do you want to go with something more old school and classic? Choose the authentic Dutch style windmills that your kids will love! Or are you a more modern family with an eye for fashion? Select the classy and sleek style windmill that will spice up your backyard. No matter what you choose, investing in a windmill will help reduce your carbon footprint and help you save money on electric bills.
7. Fuck planes, Hanglide to your next vacation. For years environmentalists have been preaching to us about the contribution that cars make to climate change. However, in recent years scientists have also begun to investigate the damage that planes have done to our climate as well, and the results are not pretty. Planes emission of CO2 into the environment has been furthering the warming of our planet for years and it is time that we as a society begin to look for other options in terms of air travel. The solution is simple. Hangliding. Hang gliding is a popular air sport that has begun to grow in popularity with more daring environemntalists. Hang gliding is totally self sustaining and does not rely on the use of fossil fuels or any fuels at all. Although, some may argue that hang gliding is not an efficient way to travel, I disagree. In 2012 Texas local Dustin Martin set the record for longest hang gliding session with a distance of 475 miles. I propose the department of transportation establish hang gliding airports to accommodate the most bold and dedicated environemntalists among us and help the planet by avoiding the use of dilapidated and anti-environment air travel.
8. Avoid having children, nay, petition against children. Over the past several decades the discussion of overpopulation’s contribution to climate change has intensified as we as a species have been continually growing to outstanding numbers. As of April 2019 the approximate human population is at 7.7 billion and shows no signs of slowing down. As families continue to have children their use of fossil fuels and other natural resources will also rise leading to increasing global temperature, and ultimately the deterioration of human-kind itself. What this all breaks down to is children=death of man-kind. For this reason I believe we have no choice but to take an aggressive stance against children and petition against the continuation of child production. By protesting child production, we may have a chance at protecting our icebergs, saving the bees, and maintaining the existence of our own species.
While some anti-global warming conspiracists will argue that climate change “doesn’t exist” or “is created by the liberalist media”, it is a scientific phenomenon that, like it or not, will continue to worsen if changes are not made immediately. By going out of your way to make some of these small changes in your daily life you will contribute to the longevity of mankind.
KAI PIERCE - 10/28/19